I remember

So six years ago, i had just found out I was pregnant and I was standing behind a woman with multiple kids and a little baby in a line at Walgreens. I asked her how old her baby was and she told me like 5 days or something really new. I told her how sweet and that i had just found out I was pregnant with my first. She gave a quick congratulations but I was a bit surprised she wasn't more excited for me.

i don't know why I even remembered that story for this long but I was thinking about it again this week. How different i feel after 6 years. Here she was, having just given birth to at least her 3rd child and she was having to wait in line at walgreens with all her kids?

Where was her mom? Maybe she was at home cleaning or planting flowers. Did her dad come? Did he sing for the baby? Where was her mother-in-law? I hope she was making a bed for her to lie down in, hoping this new mom would call so that she could help out with something. Did her husband get up wit her at night? I hope he held her tight when she told her about her day. Had the youth group baby-sat for her so she could go on a date with her husband? Did they clean her house for her? Did this new baby have aunts waiting to coo over her, hold her, burp her, change diapers, or just let her mom rest? I bet even the uncles were there, probably taking pictures. I wonder if her great grandmother made a visit. Did people bring her dinner? Did they invite the older kids over to play?

I feel so blessed to have so many people in my life who serve me and my family. Its overwhelming to think of everything being done for us. For me, I hope that I can see what I can do for other people. Service really is how you can see the hand of God in our lives. It carries his spirit into their hearts.

Thanks.

sometimes typing my thoughts clears my head

let's see. my random thoughts from today.

I've never been that into fashion. like real fashion. So if you are, keep your laughing to a minimum. I love love it when for some unknown reason fashion and comfort collide into something amazing. Take uggs. Last year I bought the knock-offs, but if it is socially acceptable for me to leave the house while my feet still feel like they're in slippers heck-yea I'm on board with that! This year, its maternity leggings. really, even if i wasn't pregnant i would probably feel the same way, but pregnancy is what made me cough up $25. (also evidence is my cheapness because that was difficult.) maternity jeans keep sliding down and then my elastic top tears due to my constant yanking. leggings stay put. i wear a non-maternity empire waste dress and I'm set. Its as comfortable as wearing jammies all day. love it! thanks for the gift fashion-conscious people.

I asked Jackson what we should get for papa for christmas. he told me a toy kid so that papa could pretend like he had a real kid. ha!

I cannot make rational decisions when i have fudge in the house. I even botched my recipe so its more like super thick frosting but there's still enough sugar in there for me to enjoy. Its the point where its too good to just throw in the trash but i feel too guilty actually giving it to somebody else. I decided to experiment with it. i froze it then i was going to see how soft it got to determine if I could safely give it to my neighbors. I pulled out like 10 pieces then ate 3 of those in less than 1 minute!! really!!

rain makes my house messy. i'm sticking to that. it's not me, its the rain. or the fudge.

i'm game on for christmas. i wanted to buy and put up my tree today but didn't want to face errands in the rain with 2 kids.

sam has learned the phrase "awww man!" it is the cutest and funniest thing ever. he says it when he's playfully dropping things or building duplo towers that fall down. good good stuff.

i think i'm homesick because i've called my mom probably twice a day for several days now. i'm always bummed when she can't talk longer, and then I send emails to the family. I just seriously can't wait to see everybody. to relax. to go walk on campus. go to lake lurleen. sit on the back deck and talk. talk about babies and what we might name those babies and how big our babies are. to walk/ride bikes on the levy. to talk about this season (anybody from alabama knows that refers to alabama's football season).

i'm so grateful for my protected little life. i know that i have this innocent, happy little life. i hear about the trials others face and my heart mourns for them. i want to take away pain in these people's life but feel so inadequate to do so. i also know that the savior is the only person who can put their arms around that person and say he knows what they went through and can heal their hearts and minds and bodies. i'm so incredibly grateful to know that.

phew....lots of thoughts. maybe i can get something done now.

When the kids are gone.

I met my mom halfway between our houses on Tuesday and she took them home with her for a few days. Brent and I will go down there in a couple of hours to spend the weekend and bring them back home.

Here are a few things I've learned.

1.) I'm not the kind of mom that sits around moping because I miss them. I do miss them but I enjoyed the break tremendously.

2.) I can now compare a) kids and not pregnant b) kids and pregnant and c) no kids and pregnant. kids make me way more tired than pregnancy does.

3.) My expectations for my kids are too high. I feel like I should be able to sit down, uninterrupted, at the computer or whatever task I'm doing always. I feel like I expect chores to go when they're here the same way they go when they're not here. That's unrealistic.

4.) If it weren't for my kids I'd never leave the house in the daytime and that would be sad. (I'd also take my shower everyday an hour before Brent got home.)

5.) I can't quilt. Just not a skill I have. I have pulled out a thousand stitches these past few days. I wake up with nightmares of quilts.

6.) As much as I've enjoyed my time without them, I'm jealous of the people around them. I wish I knew what goofy things Jackson said this week. I know I would have laughed when Sam threw his tiny little tantrum or threw something across the room.

7.) I've come to the point in my life that I welcome silence and being alone. I haven't always been like that.

sometimes life is frustrating.

sometimes i feel inadequate and way behind the learning curve. (in this example of trying to make sugar cookies.)sometimes we feel like nobody is listening. or helping. or leaving us alone.
sometimes we feel trapped. like the world is coming down on us. like everybody can see that we're backwards except us. like we've been abandoned.

really?!?

So its been nice having 2 boys born at the exact same time of year three years later. All of the clothes sam needs, we have, in the right season. We haven't needed to buy Sam much besides just something nicer that Jackson didn't destroy. But now I'm faced with a slight dilemma. These are Jackson's 18 month swimsuits...

that he still wears 3 years later. in fact, he wore them to the preschool "sailing to the sea" last week. (sorry no picture) So I can't figure out who to buy a new suit for. Even though they were 18m suits they were huge on jackson then but now basically fit. If I buy another 18m suit will it swollow Sam? Do your kids wear the same suit for that long?

A farewell

remember how i'm a sap? well, its one those posts.

This 1996 camry was my first car. my parents told me they would pay half up to $4000 if i paid the other half. i wanted a camry. to me they screamed i'm a responsible and practical person. I'm still not sure if I fooled anybody. well, after 237,000 miles, we said good-bye to the camry. It was pretty weak in its last days and on its final trip made it all the way to our street and died 2 doors down. It was a lot like Scarlet's horse that died at Tara's gates after carrying her and Melanie home from Atlanta. (I love that book/movie!)

Because I am a sap I took pictures from the porch.

The man, assuming I was taking pictures of my son admiring the tow truck, told me he'd let jackson sit up front. So i took that picture too.

I don't have pictures of our early days shared together because they were pre-digital photos but here are some special days we shared together.

a rare moment

Today's our anniversary. Brent had to work this morning and now he's helping a friend who's remodeling a home. I found myself this afternoon with 2 sleeping kids and a clean enough for me house. I didn't know what to do but document it--remind myself that sometimes the stars all do align for me. It just made me feel at peace. I'm grateful for noise and laughter and time with my husband and pbs and chaos but this is nice too. (i'm teaching our co-op preschool this month. thus the giant calendar in the piano room.)

A survey

So to all of you moms...when do you do most of your housework? is it when the kids are in bed? is it during the day when they're watching movies/tv? normally i get as much done as i can during the day with the kids but my evenings are reserved for lounging but i'm finding i just can't get it all done. so i just wanted to ask y'all what y'all do.

front porches are for happiness

I got these two rockers for mother's day this year. I think they're the perfect gift because they're so lovely but also and mostly because I am a sentimental person. In my mind I've pictured having long talks with my kids on these rockers in the upcoming years. We'll watch the rain, sunsets, clouds, etc. and just talk about what's going on in their lives. These will be chairs my children and I bond in. or at least that's the way I see it. Isn't that what front porches are for?

oh yeah, and we'll eat while we talk.

So Brent took Jackson shopping to buy my present. Jackson walked in first and told me I had to be quiet that it was a secret and I couldn't say anything. (Brent must have prepped him b/c he knows I love finding out what I'm getting for such occasions.) I asked Jackson if he knew what it was and he kept answering me in whispers that I couldn't talk and we had to be quiet. really cute. then when Brent walked in after hiding them, I told him how well Jackson had done at keeping it a secret then Jackson very joyfully squealed "It's a rocking chair!" I thought it was hilarious but Brent vowed to never take him shopping for a surprise again.

She's been mine for 27 years.

I'm reminiscing. and crying. i love my little sister. too many pictures to look at and cry about. i know she's not dying but she used to love me best.

I think I'm gonna be alright.

Admitedly, there have been moments in the past 3 weeks where I thought "What have I done!?!" We're settling down now. Jackson loves his little brother. I don't know this because he says so but because he can't help but show me. He always asks to hold him so we get lots of cute moments like this...

Then almost like he's hiding the fact though we'll find him pop in a few unrequested kisses. This morning Brent and I were getting ready and thought that Jackson was watching little einsteins but when we walked in he was leaning close in to sam watching him. He ran back to the movie when he saw us but when he thought we weren't looking came right back in to watch him. I once thought that I didn't really know what pure love felt like until I was a parent. Now though, after watching Jackson, I think he gets it better than I do. He forgives faster than I do. He expresses it more often than I do. I think it's just a natural extension of him.

10 days

So many many thoughts.

Who are you little baby? You're hurting my back but I don't care. Well, I care but that's not the reason I want you to come right this minute.

We're all trying to get ready for you. Jackson is getting better at pulling up his own underwear and pants. And supposedly he feels bad everytime he plays too rough around my belly but let's be honest, it's freakin' HUGE!

I've set up the crib and laid out stuff to take to the hospital for you. It's the booties aunt robyn made and the blanket grandma jan made for jackson's blessing. I think they're both perfect. They're both white and crocheted or knitted (I don't know the difference.) I love picturing you in white.

Daddy's really excited but he doesn't talk about it a ton. I think he's trying not to decide in his mind what the gender will be. You know he's all about surprises.

I can't stop trying to picture what things will be like in the hospital, at home, with Jackson. Thoughts? Stories?

This is us 5 years ago

on our honeymoon.

We didn't have a camera so we took a disposable camera that we never got developed until our five year anniversary. Some how it just kinda never got done. It became one of Jackson's toys.... I don't know. These pictures make me happy. Happy that we're still happy. Happy that despite the fact it was pre-digital camera I didn't have my eyes closed in one single picture. Happy that as a sign of kinda how low-key we are we went to Nashville for our honeymoon. Happy that as another sign of how low-key we are we still own and wear most of those clothes. Happy that even though its been five years (which i realize is nothing) so little has changed. I mean the world has changed a lot around us. But between us, where it matters the most, nothing has changed. Strengthened, totally, but constant.

Oh and for the record, for our five year anniversary, which I hear is the paper anniversary, we totally knocked it out of the park and are under contract to buy a house! I've never been more scared in my life but the excitedness is slowly, slowly creeping in.

I want to buy a house.

sort of. It's such a huge decision. I know the market is perfect right now for first time home buyers. I've spent....an embarassing amount of time....looking for houses. Trying to figure out what we can afford. What we need out of our house. What we want out of our house. Unfortunately, I have these big, too big, dreams of what I want. I'm realizing though that this most likely won't be our one and only house. a starter home. so I'm pleading with you. What is highest on the list? bedrooms? kitchen? bonus? square footage? yard? proximity to work/shopping? pantry? neighbors? I know I'm kinda an introvert so I think a neighborhood pool would help me meet neighbors. Is that silly? Just tell me you homeowners. What did you feel like you most appreciated/used/needed/lacked from your first house.

here i am!

That's what my camera said when I found it yesterday. It had been hiding for the whole month of september. I decided to celebrate winning hide and seek by posting. just cause.

So yesterday I grounded myself from the computer so I'd get some things done. (like finding my camera) it had been sucking out my soul. I had a lot of cleaning to do so I wasn't finished when Jackson woke up from his nap. I kept telling him to follow me and he could help me with my chores. He just wanted to go play in his room. Then he comes in and says "Mommy come on! I made a BIG BIG MESS!" these are words I fear.

This is what I found. He'd knocked over his stack of library books, added a blanket, pencil, and puzzle piece to the "disaster." Yeah, sometimes its nice to have a child that wasn't more creative with his I'll-get-moms-attention-by-making-a-mess scheme.
I don't have a scanner so I just took a picture of my ultrasound. We did this a few weeks ago. We've decided to wait to find out the babies gender. We found out with Jackson but thought this would be fun. I know its just an ultrasound. A black and white picture of a baby that could be anybody's. I get all emotional though looking at it. I'm so so excited. I think more so with this one than Jackson because I have a clue about what mommy love is. With Jackson I didn't know how to interpret my feelings and nerves and stuff. With number #2 though I can attach this strong feeling of love that I've experienced before to this new person I haven't met and I just stinkin' can't wait. I'm crying now. typical. I love you baby!

preparing for the real thing...

Three days a week I've started watching one of Jackson's friends from nursery Iris. She's about 6 months younger than Jackson which I didn't think Jackson would even notice a difference. He does though and it has given me glimpses of the type of big brother he will be. It's funny to see my characteristics/behavior in how he treats her. Now imagine this in a high imitating mommy type of voice, here are some of my favorites..."Honey, you want some juice." "Are you drinking juice? say yeah. say yeah." "Who am I? I'm Jackson. say Jackson." (when she picked up the remote control) "that's not for you Iris." "that's not safe Iris." He'll pick out books to show her and teach her how to... well jump on the bed or play red light/green light (a new favorite since our fhe on obedience.)

I know its not exactly the same but it's an idea of maybe how things will go and it makes me more excited. I'm grateful to see the patience and kindness he has shown her. I think, really I do, he'll be a great older brother.

Jackson at 2 1/2

So this post is really for future me to look back and remember the Jackson that is singing/moaning in his crib right now as he is today. I know I forget things and he does lots of things I want to remember but I don't have a picture or story to blog about.

Favorite tv shows are Curious George, Bob the Builder (although I'm a mean mom right now. He used to ask for it constantly but then something about this movie, while I was sick, I swear made my nausea worse and I've now told him "sorry, its broken" just b/c it makes my head spin. i know im horrible!) Super Why, and Little Einsteins. My favorite is Word World but we lost our movie at the beach and the show comes on during his naptime.

Lines he says that will always get a laugh: "Oh my goodness! Are you serious!?" Come on mom/dad/whoever is there whose name he knows, This'll be fun!" "bridge" (now this one we all try really hard not to laugh at but inevitably somebody will snicker, it sounds really naughty) "no way jose!" and i'm sure countless others but those are the most common ones.

Favorite books: "Go Dog Go" is way high up there now but he also likes "Ready set skip", Elmo books, "The Cat in the Hat", and truck books. We go to the library weekly too so we always get new books there.

Jackson is a great sleeper. I thank the healthy sleep habits happy baby book. He has his routine and will go to bed without crying. He may resist starting the routine and even avoid getting into bed but when we leave there are no tears. That is, as long as he has white kiki (a ragged waffle blanket that as it appears is more irreplaceable than I thought. can't find another anywhere.)and big blanket. Recently he has started sleeping mostly with Elmo and any other random toy he thinks which reminds me of this one.

When we play he loves going outside. He normally will ask for a walk so he can pick up sticks/rocks and drop them in holes (which are drains.) We also play with balls a lot. Gma and papa barnes now have an empty room in their house where great-gmas bed used to be where he loves to play corners. What's corners? who knows all we do is laugh and run from corner to corner. We've barely started trying to have craft projects too which are fun. Maybe I'll do a post on those?

He loves all members of his family, even those he doesn't get to see often and will get so excited when we mention anything exciting that they're doing. He desperately needs a sibling (which I'm working on) b/c he always has to try to drag us old people around. A summary of Jackson 2.5 isn't complete without mentioning tantrums. I love you despite them future Jackson but wow you can throw a bad one. I'm sure other moms have left the mall with screaming toddlers in their arms but when it happens, you feel all alone in the world. Often the only thing that will calm you down is a blanket and primary songs. I love how primary songs can soften both our hearts though and I love you more b/c of it. I love how already the church means something to you and you assume all big pretty buildings are temples and all people who wear robes or have beards are Jesus. You learned how to drink from an open cup by the sacrament. You say irreverent but sincere prayers (praying for books, toys, and even Joe working). You demand to be included in morning scriptures and will refuse anybody who tries to put you to bed without prayer ON THEIR KNEES! You teach how pure and forgiving real love is. Sorry this turned into a different post than I intended but I'll let it stand.

peaceful afternoon

I think John Mayer, a clean house, folded laundry, and a glass of sugar free peach rasberry kool-aid bring peace. at least they did for me today. and I suppose it helped that this moment was made possible because grandma watched jackson this afternoon and I know that this time Saturday I'll have this for a view.

I'm feeling patriotic

I'm feeling very patriotic today. I've watched nbc basically all day.

YEAH YEAH YEAH for our new president Barack Obama!! I'm thrilled to tears. (of course) I didn't have the most coveted view but I thought it was a perfect view.

(I just wish I had hidden the talking singing Elmo see and say toy.)

Emotional Wreck

For anybody who has ever met me (it doesn't take long) you know that I am an emotional train wreck. I have proved it again today. Let me tell you a story. My family had an entertainment center growing up. I don't know when they bought it but I don't really remember anything but this. I have lots of memories of it and always thinking it was just beautiful and tasteful. Seriously even as a kid I remember feeling good closing the TV cabinet on a Sunday afternoon and playing church music. I was thrilled when Brent and I got it after my parents got a new TV. It was our only real nice furniture and I was so grateful. (I'm not making this up guys.) Brent's been wanting a new panel TV but I told him we don't want to get a new Entertainment Center (I capitalize the words b/c its like a member of the family). Well, he talked me into it. I tried to give it to all my siblings, thinking of course they would want it and they all said no. I thought that was odd but we sold it on Craig's list anyway. I didn't forsee it but I balled like a baby. Last night before they picked it up I woke up at 3:30 and was just worried sick about the type of home it would go to. I was so sad that the man came early to pick it up and I wasn't there to see it leave. I didn't get to judge him or tell him how important it was to me. I balled. I couldn't believe it and neither could Brent. Emotional train wreck proof number 357621. Behold our good times.

Oh new TV stand....how will you ever compare?

Becoming a member of the family is a tall act to follow.